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I am a high school English teacher, and mother of two charming little ones of my own. I teach in a high poverty urban charter school, while I live in a typical American suburb that has frequently been rated one of the safest cities in the country. It is a paradox I struggle with constantly, but it is my life.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

How did this happen?

How did this happen?  It's so depressing...

I am referring to... of course... my weight.  Somehow, over the last few months, I have gained weight. I couldn't tell you how much because I decided to stop looking at scales about a year ago. But I know I've gained weight.

I haven't been pleased with my weight since... well...  high school?  I never thought I would be this type of girl. I've always been somewhat curvier than other girls, but it didn't bother me. Once my high school fast metabolism disappeared, being somewhat curvy turned into getting really chunky really fast. When I was 18, I had no shame about being seen in a bathing suit, but now... well, yuck.

Last year, I had really hoped to lose weight before Hawaii. I didn't really lose enough, but I also didn't totally hate what I saw when I looked in the mirror in my bathing suit. However, when I ended up needing to buy a new bathing suit while we were there, I ended up really having to buy like a "big girl" style bottom. Nothing else fit. Yuck. Whatever. At least it fit and looked okay.

Yesterday, I went to the gym with my friend, and we went in the hot tub after we worked out. This is something we do regularly, but because of busy schedules (mostly mine) haven't done in several weeks. Last night, my bathing suit was really tight. It wasn't tight the last time we were there. Somehow, in the last few weeks, I have gained a lot of weight.

I would have almost thought it would be the opposite. I missed a lot of meals during Willy Wonka. I came home each day so exhausted from running back and forth from stage to booth to my classroom and back, I felt like I was going to collapse.

But if I really think about it, I know how this happened. I had a lot of stress this semester. I felt like I dealt with it so much better than other semesters. I didn't let it get the best of me. In fact, I would barely have used the word stress. I was under a lot of pressure to get a lot done, but I didn't really feel stressed. I actually felt pretty good.

However, I kind of took a Marley-esque, "Don't worry about a thing," attitude towards life.  I just worked towards getting everything done and chose not to stress the small stuff. Like my weight. Which sort of meant I ate like a queen to bring myself joy on my weekend breaks from the craziness. And that I ate late at night while writing my Masters research proposal and other papers. Ice cream, candy, and soda really help me stay awake and in a good mood while writing.  I ate way more than I would like to admit during this time.

Plus, the decent workout habits I had developed during the year feel by the wayside in May and June. There just wasn't time. I would love to say I will manage my time better next year, but I just don't see how.

The funny thing is, since watching Food Inc a few weeks ago, I have became really conscious of what I am putting in my mouth, and we pretty much haven't been eating fast food. I've cooked more meals at home in the last few weeks than ever before. As I have been reminded of the great taste of all natural foods made with farm fresh ingredients, I think I have been just eating more. We had my parents over for carne asada a few weeks ago, and it's just hard not to overeat when you have grass-fed steak, homemade salsa from freshly picked organic veggies, and slow-cooked organic beans. It just all tasted so good. Even my dad was like, "This is so good, I can't stop eating it."

So... I need to get this under control. I am going to use a nutrition tracking app and a fitness app to track my progress. I should probably weigh myself at the gym today too. I think I'm off to a good start.  I told myself I would work out every day this summer, without missing any days, and I am on day 3 in a row (I'm headed for the gym in a few minutes).

Friends... please, please, please help me stay on track. If you are looking for a gym buddy, I'm here. If we go out to eat together, remind me of my commitment to portion control and healthier choices.

Yuck... I hate this process.

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