Today was my last day at work. I was going to try to work up until she comes, but it didn't quite work out that way. I just couldn't do it and the doctor didn't really think it was a good idea either, so I am off as of today. I felt so rushed like crazy to get everything done this week and like I could never really accomplish everything that I had wanted to, and I didn't leave everything nearly as planned out as I had wanted to leave it, but I did the best I could, and I think my sub will be okay.
What I don't understand is why I feel like I do right now. My work threw me a baby shower yesterday and I felt very loved. It was wonderful. I normally am just gleeful when I am getting off of work for a break. Because I work at a school where I don't get long breaks (6 weeks tops), this will be the longest break I have had from working since I had Vinny 4 years ago. For some reason though, I am just depressed. I feel like just laying on my bed and crying. I think it is because I feel like I am just getting to know my students this year, and worse yet, I actually really like these kids. They are a really good group of kids, and none of them have even really been on my nerves, which is really kind of weird. I mean, every group has a few that get on my nerves, but even in my most talkative class, I actually like these ones. It feels like I am leaving them for a really long time and like nothing will be the same when I go back. :-(
It could be that there has just been a lot of pressure at school lately, and it feels contradictory to my nature to walk away from it. I am the type of person who doesn't wait for positive change, particularly in my job; I do my very best to make positive change. If a challenge is presented to me, it gets me going to overcome it. There are SO many challenges right now that it has felt overwhelming and almost disabling... and if I was staying I would probably feel sort of like shutting down, but right now I just feel like I am walking away from all of it with my hands tied behind my back, and I will just have to take whatever is there when I come back.
I feel like there is something wrong with me that I am not just crazy dying to meet Tiana too. I am sick of being pregnant yes, but, to be honest, I am not really excited about her being here yet. The people at school, teachers and students, keep asking, "Are you excited?" and stuff like that and I just don't know how to answer. I want to say yes, and sometimes I am speaking truth, but in many ways, not so much.
With Vinny, I was just dying for him to just come. I felt like I couldn't wait, like a kid feels at Christmas time in the few days between when school lets out and when it is actually Christmas morning. Not so much this time. This probably has a lot to do with family stuff that put a dark shadow on the beginning of my pregnancy, and I've never really been able to shake that shadow. It may also just be that I have had a hard time accepting reality this time. I don't feel like it is really happening. I am having trouble really believing that within a matter of hours or days or weeks, I will have a daughter in my arms. It could also be that I was just excited to be a mom before, and now I know what that is about (and it is as wonderful as it seems, but I already have that in Vinny). I also have this secret fear of sharing my time with Vinny. I already feel like he doesn't get as much attention as he deserves, and now I feel like he will get less. Perhaps this is a repressed reaction to my memories of becoming a big sibling myself. As incredible as I wanted that to be, it just seemed like all I got out of it was a screaming colic sister and some really tired parents.
Bleh... enough psychoanalyzing myself. I am going to go eat and shop and make myself feel better.