The Author

My photo
I am a high school English teacher, and mother of two charming little ones of my own. I teach in a high poverty urban charter school, while I live in a typical American suburb that has frequently been rated one of the safest cities in the country. It is a paradox I struggle with constantly, but it is my life.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Last Day at Work

Today was my last day at work. I was going to try to work up until she comes, but it didn't quite work out that way. I just couldn't do it and the doctor didn't really think it was a good idea either, so I am off as of today. I felt so rushed like crazy to get everything done this week and like I could never really accomplish everything that I had wanted to, and I didn't leave everything nearly as planned out as I had wanted to leave it, but I did the best I could, and I think my sub will be okay.

What I don't understand is why I feel like I do right now. My work threw me a baby shower yesterday and I felt very  loved. It was wonderful. I normally am just gleeful when I am getting off of work for a break. Because I work at a school where I don't get long breaks (6 weeks tops), this will be the longest break I have had from working since I had Vinny 4 years ago. For some reason though, I am just depressed. I feel like just laying on my bed and crying. I think it is because I feel like I am just getting to know my students this year, and worse yet, I actually really like these kids. They are a really good group of kids, and none of them have even really been on my nerves, which is really kind of weird. I mean, every group has a few that get on my nerves, but even in my most talkative class, I actually like these ones. It feels like I am leaving them for a really long time and like nothing will be the same when I go back. :-(

It could be that there has just been a lot of pressure at school lately, and it feels contradictory to my nature to walk away from it. I am the type of person who doesn't wait for positive change, particularly in my job; I do my very best to make positive change. If a challenge is presented to me, it gets me going to overcome it. There are SO many challenges right now that it has felt overwhelming and almost disabling... and if I was staying I would probably feel sort of like shutting down, but right now I just feel like I am walking away from all of it with my hands tied behind my back, and I will just have to take whatever is there when I come back.

I feel like there is something wrong with me that I am not just crazy dying to meet Tiana too. I am sick of being pregnant yes, but, to be honest, I am not really excited about her being here yet. The people at school, teachers and students, keep asking, "Are you excited?" and stuff like that and I just don't know how to answer. I want to say yes, and sometimes I am speaking truth, but in many ways, not so much.

With Vinny, I was just dying for him to just come. I felt like I couldn't wait, like a kid feels at Christmas time in the few days between when school lets out and when it is actually Christmas morning. Not so much this time. This probably has a lot to do with family stuff that put a dark shadow on the beginning of my pregnancy, and I've never really been able to shake that shadow. It may also just be that I have had a hard time accepting reality this time. I don't feel like it is really happening. I am having trouble really believing that within a matter of hours or days or weeks, I will have a daughter in my arms. It could also be that I was just excited to be a mom before, and now I know what that is about (and it is as wonderful as it seems, but I already have that in Vinny). I also have this secret fear of sharing my time with Vinny. I already feel like he doesn't get as much attention as he deserves, and now I feel like he will get less. Perhaps this is a repressed reaction to my memories of becoming a big sibling myself. As incredible as I wanted that to be, it just seemed like all I got out of it was a screaming colic sister and some really tired parents.

Bleh... enough psychoanalyzing myself. I am going to go eat and shop and make myself feel better.

1 comment:

  1. Oh hell I wasn't into any of my children until they arrived. Actually for Kaylee it took about five months for me to be excited to have her (meaning 5 months old for her), with Annabelle it was different, like literally after she was born I was excited about her. Before they were born, not really excited. I didn't really attach to them, maybe as a method of protecting myself (because I did have a miscarriage once) in case things went wrong.

    By the way, they literally are right, some how it all works out. You will spend as much time, if not more with Vinny and love him the same, and love Tiana as well. I never thought it was possible but it somehow works. LOL! I thought people were just talking out their butts about that.

    Anyhow you should come out with us since you're off now. We're going to Chuck E Cheeses on Tuesday! You can sit around and we'll have someone chase after Vinny. LOL!!