The Author

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I am a high school English teacher, and mother of two charming little ones of my own. I teach in a high poverty urban charter school, while I live in a typical American suburb that has frequently been rated one of the safest cities in the country. It is a paradox I struggle with constantly, but it is my life.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Possibly my first real breakdown...

... since Tiana arrived (unless you count the one in the hospital where I started crying and begging them to remove at least one of the IVs so that I could just stand up again).

At around 7::45 tonight, I really felt like I was losing it. I won't go in to all of it, but my beloved children were just making me crazy. Marc is at youth group tonight, and he was unfortunately really missed. Last week I was fine, but tonight, not so much. Tiana for some reason got really hungry and between 5pm and 7:30pm wanted to eat like non-stop. She'd only fall asleep for a couple of minutes in between and then decide she was hungry again. Each time I couldn't believe she was still hungry, but sure enough... it was all she wanted. When you spend 9 months feeling like your body is totally not your own, spending 2 hours with a little person attached to you can feel very stifling... which is why it was so much more frustrating when Vinny decided he needed my complete attention too.

First, he was okay just playing on the floor near me while I fed Tiana. Then he decided he needed to bring the box he was playing with to me, and sit right next to me (and I mean right next to me), and I had to open  it to see what was inside. There was nothing inside, which he found just hysterical and cracked up laughing, obnoxiously loud, which of course would set Tiana off crying. Then, after the box thing was over, he decided he just liked sitting practically on top of me (really, I couldn't move my arms or legs), and he wouldn't move no matter how much I asked. Then, I guess he got a kick out of the fact that he could get that much of a rise out of Tiana, because he decided to just yell constantly. He was yelling everything he said and being right in my face, and there was very little I could do unless I wanted to interrupt the feeding, which I didn't totally have the energy for.

Finally, she finished eating and I was able to put Vinny in the bath. Ah... space.... except Tiana has become totally spoiled and decided that she was going to whimper unless I held her. It took another 30 minutes to get her in a deep enough sleep to put her down. Bleh. Fortunately, Vinny wanted out of the bath early, and Tiana slept long enough that I was able to read him a story just the two of us, which I hope helped with his need for my attention.

Both children are finally asleep, and I am exhausted.

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