I have really been wanting to feel like I am fitting into God's place for me in ministry, and Marc and I are going to be hosting/leading the college/young adult group at our church soon, which I am really excited about. We sent out an invite to a kickoff barbecue, and now it feels real. It also feels like God totally orchestrated it, and I am excited for this opportunity. This is really important to me, because fitting into God's plan for my life has always been my first priority. When I was18, before I got engaged to Marc, I really though I was going to be a Christian missionary overseas, so when that plan changed, I never thought I would feel as disconnected as I feel right now. This is an answer to prayer for sure.
The other thing that I love right now is that I am finally finding it easier to make friends. I know that sounds like a funny thing for me to say, but it is true. I was thinking about it last night, and I have changed a LOT in the past few years. People don't usually believe this about me because I am a teacher and an actor and I have no problem being on stage and leading and stuff like that, but I am actually a really shy person when it comes to one-on-one. I get nervous. I don't know why. I've never really understood it.
I think it has something to do with the fact that I really got bullied a lot in elementary school and middle school, and even a little in high school. It is hard to admit that. I got made fun of SO much. In elementary, I was always the shortest kid in my class and I had big buck teeth. Up until 4th grade, I was at the top of my class always, so I got made fun of for being teacher's pet too. When I went to a new school for GATE in 5th grade, I actually was challenged for the first time, so that wasn't a problem, but I had wanted so badly to fit in that I tried too hard and that backfired too. It took me until like 11th grade before I finally realized that I needed to just be myself and not try so hard, and if I found friends that way, then at least they would be real friends.
Years ago, when I was in college, I would show up to class, participate in class, and then leave without ever really talking to any of my classmates or getting to know them. I guess it just felt like less of a risk. I would talk to my best friend Mo about really wanting to make new friends. She's awesome like that. She is not the type of best friend who worries I will replace her or anything like that. She really wanted me to be able to make new friends too. She would encourage me to talk to people and stuff, but it never really happened in college. When I went back to school for my credential, I found that when I am in a room full of teachers, it is exceedingly easy to talk to everyone. It is nice to be with people who have so much in common with you.
Now, I have found the same thing with mom friends. I joined a moms group when Vinny was 6 months old, and I find it just as easy to connect to them too. It has been admittedly easier with as much time as I have available on maternity leave, but I am determined to continue making the effort when I go back to work.