The Author

My photo
I am a high school English teacher, and mother of two charming little ones of my own. I teach in a high poverty urban charter school, while I live in a typical American suburb that has frequently been rated one of the safest cities in the country. It is a paradox I struggle with constantly, but it is my life.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Not myself...

As some of you have probably figured out from reading my blogs, I have not been in the greatest of mental states lately. I wouldn't quite call it postpartum depression, but perhaps just some postpartum blues. It has been hard on me particularly because, after having Vinny, I didn't have any of these feelings at all. Sure, I was a little sleep deprived, but Vinny was an easy baby, and I honestly felt nothing but joy after his birth. I was motivated to get up and get out of the house and talk to people and stuff like that. Despite being way broke, I was happier than I had been in a long time.

I think it may have something to do with what a miserable pregnancy I had with Vinny too. I was just miserable, miserable, miserable most of the time, particularly from 7 months on, so by the time Vinny got here, I was just thrilled not to be pregnant. I actually felt pretty darn good most of my pregnancy with Tiana and then had a rougher recovery, so that probably has something to do with it.

Blogging is keeping me sane. It keeps me sane partially because I get to express my thoughts, and partially because, as selfish as it is, it helps when people react in support. One of my longtime great friends read my prayer blog (which quite honestly was a prayer I just decided to openly share) and offered to come over and help. Although things were calming down and the babies were finally starting to go to sleep, she reminded me that she is happy to come help if I ever need it, and that was a really nice reminder. I truly do know that there are people I can reach out to, but sometimes I just forget that I can.

As sad as it is, I am having trouble forcing myself to do the one thing that makes me feel better... go out. I wrote earlier in the week about wanting to maybe go see that movie, even if it was just by myself with Tiana, but I don't really have it in me to go out right now. I used to really like getting out, but lately, I just don't feel like getting dressed in the morning. Or ever, really. On Monday, I never even changed out of my pajamas from Sunday night. I didn't actually change until Tuesday afternoon when I finally went out because I had an appointment. After the appointment I went shopping with Tiana and it was the highlight of my week. But I am having trouble making commitments to go out, which is really unlike me. I like making plans. Take my play group for instance... there is an online calendar with events and you click to RSVP Yes, No, or Maybe. I find myself RSVPing maybe to everything for no good reason other than not knowing if I will actually feel like going out. That's odd for me, because I normally don't like "maybes" and I am a very reliable person. That's why I'm not RSVPing yes though, because I hate backing out once I answer yes, so I know I will go. I need to just force myself to keep going out for my sanity. So if anyone wants to make a lunch date some time next week, let me know. I'll force myself to say yes, not maybe.

I just don't like the person I am right now, who is so unlike me. While anyone who has seen my house knows I am not really a perfectionist, I like to say I have perfectionist tendencies. I hate the lack of productivity that is my life right now. I hate the mess that I am unmotivated to clean up. I hate the short fuse I have with Vinny. Although he has been honestly challenging lately, I just hate how I react to it in ways I never would have reacted before. I need to get back to being myself. I am just not sure how to do it, because I feel like its not me. I WANT to shake these feelings... I just can't.

No comments:

Post a Comment